SERMON: Divine Union/Marriage

EASTER 3–UNION/MARRIAGE

 

Last weekend,  I was privileged to perform a wedding at the historic Morris chapel at the University of the Pacific in beautiful downtown Stockton. The bride and groom were a friendly, lovely young couple, and it was entertaining watching the testy familial relations between his Chinese relatives and her Phillipino clan.

 

The rehearsal was more fun than they usually are. I asked them to practice their vows, and coached them on speaking louder so that those in the back row could hear them. “C’mon, Jeremy,” I coaxed, “These folks have come a long way to hear these words.” He tried again, and burst out laughing. Finally, he got the right volume, but I had to instruct him further. “Jeremy, look at HER when you’re saying this. If you’re not careful you’ll end up married to the flower display.”

 

The next time he tried it they both burst out laughing. We got through it. But then the day of the wedding arrived. The bride walked down the aisle, as radiant as any I have ever seen. He met her at the stairs and led her to her place. We stood during the readings. Thankfully, no one fainted in the heat. And when we came to the vows, I turned to Jeremy and said, “Repeat after me.”

 

He nodded, dutifully looked at his bride and in a loud even voice, began to repeat my words:

“I, Jeremy, take you, Kristine, to be my wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer….”

 

He was doing fine. Except that he wasn’t. Watching his eyes, I saw that what was just a form to be practiced yesterday, he was saying for real, now. The words were registering. Too late, perhaps, he was actually conscious of what he was saying, and I could read the panic and the promise as it played out upon his face.

 

“…in sickness and health, until death do us part. This is my solemn vow.”

 

I watched him warily as he teetered back and forth for a moment, as the finality of what he had just done washed over him. He had MARRIED himself to this woman, and she to him. They had made a sacred vow to one another in the presence of everyone they held dear, and if he didn’t get that before, it was evident he was getting it then, in the moment he was doing it.

 

His moment of realization brought home to me just what an awesome promise a marriage vow is. In taking his vows, Jeremy was saying “yes” to this person, not in every decision, certainly, but in every day of his life. He was saying yes to waking up with her, to sharing his material wealth with her, to sharing his inner life with her, to sharing his body with her, to sharing his future with her–to sharing all that he has, and all that he is. That is a profound and awesome promise.

 

It takes a lot of preparation to get to that stage, if it is to be real. It takes a lot of maturity, a lot of compromise to do it well, a willingness to know and be known that doesn’t come easy for many people. It requires both strength and vulnerability in equal measure, and a great willingness to make one life out of two.

 

To be successful, of course, the effort must be made by both parties. Both bride and groom must want this kind of joining, this kind of intimacy, this kind of permanence. But when all these things are present, it is a wondrous thing. A true marriage is always a mystical act. Because in this process–which begins months or years before the marriage, but is sealed and signified in the ceremony itself–two lives combine to create a third. Even if there is no physical offspring, there is always a mystical offspring, for the lives of two people come together and a new life begins–the life of the relationship itself.

 

For the rest of their marriage, the health of either one of them as individuals will be weighed against the health of this mystical third entity. The needs of either of them will be evaluated, and often sacrificed, in order to make sure this mystical third is fed, loved, cared for, and happy. When couples fight, when relationships end, it is usually because this mystical third person, the relationship itself, has not been nurtured, has not been ministered to, has not been adequately loved.

 

That marriage is an intrinsically mystical act should be no surprise to us, however. This intuition is so strong that scripture often uses it as a metaphor for Israel and the Church’s relationship to God, and to Jesus, respectively, and the mystics of many traditions likewise employ the symbolism of marriage to describe the intimacy between divinity and the human soul.

 

Last week we discussed the apophatic mystics–those for whom the experience of God is void of all images–and the metaphor that they most often employ to describe their union with him: Deification. But what about the kataphatic mystics, those for whom God appears employing symbols and images? Overwhelmingly, these mystics speak about their union with God in terms of marriage.

 

And unlike the apophatic msytics, whose writings are terse and tentative, the kataphatic mystics let it all hang out. They are romantic fools. For them, even though the experience of union is impossible to describe, when they do write about it, it is in the most flowery, romantic, sickningly sweet terms imaginable. No less a heavyweight than Augustine even waxed treacly when he wrote:

 

“O Lord, do I love Thee. Thou didst strike on my heart with Thy word and I loved Thee…. But what do I love when I love Thee? Not the beauty of bodies nor the loveliness of seasons, nor the radiance of the light around us, so gladsome to our eyes, nor the sweet melodies of songs of every kind, nor the fragrance of flowers and ointments and spices, nor manna and honey, nor limbs delectable for fleshly embraces. I do not love these things when I love my God. And yet I love a light and a voice and a fragrance and a food and an embrace when I love my God, who is a light, a voice, a fragrance, a food, and an embrace to my inner man…. This it is that I love when I love my God…”

 

This kind of description is common not only in Christian mysticism, but in Hindu mystics, sufi mystics, and Jewish mystical writings as well, among others. Rabia is no less eloquent in describing her love for Krishna, when she writes, “My joy –My Hunger –My Shelter –My Friend –My Food for the journey –My journey’s End –You are my breath, My hope, My companion, My craving, My abundant wealth. Without You — my Life, my Love –I would never have wandered across these endless countries. You have poured out so much grace for me, Done me so many favors, given me so many gifts –I look everywhere for Your love –Then suddenly I am filled with it. O Captain of my Heart, Radiant Eye of Yearning in my breast, I will never be free from You, As long as I live. Be satisfied with me, Love, And I am satisfied.”

 

Gorgeous stuff, but it is not just beautiful poetry, it is a sincere attempt to communicate something that is essentially ineffable–the union between a soul and her God. Just as a bride and groom surrender themselves to the unknowable in their vows, so too does the mystic surrender him- or herself to mystery in the act of divine union. They leave behind forever their former, separate life, and they, together with God, their beloved, they create a new life–one that they could not even imagine on their own. A new life that is not the product of either spouse alone, but of the joining of these two lives, one that must be nurtured and loved if it is to thrive.

 

But just as in a human marriage, if it is to work, if it is to thrive, if it is to be permanent, both parties must want it. The testimonies of the mystics and of Jewish and Christian scripture is clear. God desperately desires this kind of relationship with us. God loves us and wants our love in return. God wants to surrender himself to us, and wants us to surrender ourselves to him so that a new, more vibrant, more abundant life can be born.

 

In training spiritual directors, I hammer home again and again that we are here for one thing and one thing only: to foster intimacy between the client and the divine. It is our job to be matchmakers–bring the client again and again to the dance, to identify what resistance they might have to this marriage, to assist them in wooing the divine. Spiritual directors, and ministers in general, are professional busybodies, always trying to match you up. It’s annoying, I know, but we mean well.

 

Because, really, all the resistance is in us. Scripture and the mystics clearly tell us that God already has on his tuxedo and his bootineer. We might be having cold feet, but God is ready for the wedding. As an officiant, I usually have the best man and maid of honor sign the wedding certificates BEFORE the ceremony, rather than after, because, you know, things are crazy after a wedding and people want to drink, not do paperwork. So once I have their signatures, I usually nudge the groom conspiratorially, saying, “Dude, the paperwork is all done. You’re legally married. You don’t actually HAVE to go through with the ceremony.” Because typically, you know, men, being men, can take or leave the ritual stuff. But God isn’t your ordinary guy. He WANTS to get married. And, annoyingly, he is popping the question ALL THE TIME. We’re just too busy with our nails and our shopping to notice.

 

I’m being silly of course. Even the mystics will admit that these are metaphors. But this metaphor–marriage–is the closest we humans ever get to what God wants with us. He wants to promise himself to us forever. He wants to say yes to us forever. He wants to merge his life with ours, to create a new life that simply wasn’t possible before. THAT’S what God wants.

 

It’s a big commitment, it means your whole life has to change. But I’ll tell you, when you read the mystics, there’s no question–they feel loved. And isn’t that what we want more than anything? It’s what God wants more than anything, too. Let us pray…

 

God, the kind of relationship you want scares us.

It’s such a big commitment–I’m just not sure we’re ready.

Now, don’t be that way, it’s us, it’s not you.

But keep at us, okay.

Keep wooing us, keeping telling us you love us,

keep proving that you will be there,

from this day forward, for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and health,

until–and beyond–death.

Keep at us until we, too, are willing to say, “I do.”Amen.